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Guest Essay 02/02/2025

Managing our emotions – A gift for life 

Author: Kate Silverton, child therapist and author

How well we manage our emotions has been found to have a far greater impact on our happiness and life satisfaction than intelligence or socioeconomic status.

Dr. Allan Schore, a pioneer in emotional regulation, argues that “enhancing self-regulation should be considered the whole of child development.”Why?” Because as he explains, “just about every psychiatric disorder shows problems in emotional dysregulation.”

When children can regulate their emotions, they can focus in school, control impulses, take turns, and engage socially. Emotional literacy helps them manage frustration, build healthy relationships, make wise decisions, and avoid self-destructive behaviours. However, emotional regulation is not something we’re born with—it is something children must actively learn.

Our emotions serve as essential guides in life. Fear warns us to be on guard; love encourages us to connect. Our emotions, and the intense feelings that often accompany them, help our children respond to important events, whether the sadness they experience if a beloved pet dies or the joy they feel if they score a winning goal.

Core emotions like anger, sadness, surprise, and joy are fundamental to the human experience. They enable us to experience life’s inevitable highs and lows without being overwhelmed. Each core emotion has numerous variations; for example, love has its roots in trust, and anger often stems from fear. Understanding this complexity is key to achieving what may be considered emotional competence.

For children to engage fully with the world—rather than withdraw or feel they must do battle with it—they must trust that all their emotions are accepted and valid. In the therapy room, I tell my young clients, “All our emotions are welcome here,” which almost always leads to the surprised question, “What, even anger?” To which I reply with a smile, “Especially anger!”

Because it is not anger we should fear, but that children grow up without learning how to express it safely.

The highly respected child psychotherapist Violet Oaklander warned that in homes where anger is repressed, children may behave well but often do so out of fear, suppressing their true feelings. She observed, “The child’s self becomes diminished due to lack of regulation; his deep-felt feelings become buried inside of him.”

Setting boundaries is crucial for safety – for ourselves as well as for our children. But it is just as important to recognise that children’s brains are still developing, and so, therefore, is their behaviour. They will make mistakes, as their brains often default to primitive responses under stress. The difference is that adults have a fully developed prefrontal cortex—the sophisticated ‘wise owl’ part of our brain, as I like to refer to it. This part plays a crucial role in regulating our emotional responses and helps the body return to a state of calm. However, this part of the brain doesn’t fully mature until we are in our twenties. In the context of a child’s behaviour, it’s crucial to remember then, that their brains are still developing and learning to navigate life. To help our children succeed, we must patiently teach their ‘little owls’ how to drive!

Self-regulation takes time and develops best in warm, responsive relationships where adults model emotional control. This is why parents and caregivers must practice emotional regulation themselves. As adults, we can create a safe and supportive space, attuning to the child’s energy, helping them to express, regulate and ultimately return to calm. We can help children become more aware of their inner experience in these moments, ultimately observing their feelings rather than acting them out.

An emotions wheel, based on Dr. Paul Ekman and Dr. Robert Plutchik’s work, can be a useful tool. In the therapy room, I may also invite children to give a colour to their emotions; they may choose red for anger, for example. It helps them to share more readily if they have a ‘code red,’ i.e. if they’re feeling cross. Sharing how we experience emotions can be helpful too: “When I’m angry, I feel it in my feet, and I want to stomp! Where do you feel your anger?”

By normalising emotions and explaining their provenance, we can help children befriend them. With practice, they’ll learn to express their feelings verbally rather than using fists or feet. Teaching emotional regulation takes time and patience, but it’s one of the most valuable tools we can offer our children. In fostering emotional literacy, we give them a gift for life.

References

LSE Centre for Economic Performance (2013). Life Satisfaction and the Role of Emotions. London School of Economics and Political Science. Available from: https://cep.lse.ac.uk/_new/research/wellbeing/ [Accessed 29/01/25].

Oakland, Violet (2022). Hidden Treasure: A Map to the Child’s Inner Self. Abingdon, Oxon: Routledge.

Schore, A.N. (2015). Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self: The Neurobiology of Emotional Development (1st ed.). Routledge.