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Guest Essay 02/02/2025

Know Ourselves – the importance of selfawareness, agency, and aspiration in early childhood

Author: Peter Fonagy, Professor, Division of Psychology and Language Sciences, UCL, UK

From the moment we are born, our journey of understanding who we are begins. As infants, our first steps in self-awareness are physical.

We discover our bodies through movement and sensation. When we move our arms or legs and see them respond to our wishes, we begin to understand that they are part of us. Similarly, when we experience sensations like a gentle touch or a hug, we recognise the connection between those experiences and ourselves. These early, simple lessons teach us what it means to have a body.

But what about our minds? How do we come to understand who we are in terms of thoughts and feelings? This journey is more complex and deeply rooted in the relationships we form with those around us, particularly our caregivers.

Our sense of self and our ability to regulate our emotions are shaped through interactions with others. When a caregiver responds to a baby’s emotions with “marked mirroring,” they are not just reflecting the baby’s feelings but also showing the baby that the caregiver is not overwhelmed by those emotions. For example, when a baby cries, a caregiver may respond by showing sadness in their tone or expression but without fully embodying that sadness. This allows the baby to see their feelings reflected back in a safe and contained way.

This process helps a child begin to organise their own confusing emotions and thoughts. It teaches them to understand their experiences and lays the foundation for what psychologists call “mentalizing” — the ability to understand oneself and others as having minds with thoughts and feelings. This skill is critical for healthy development. Through these meaningful interactions, children not only gain a sense of self but also learn how to share their experiences in ways that make sense to others.

Over time, this process shapes a child’s consciousness, self-awareness, and ultimately their agency — the ability to act independently and make their own choices. They begin to understand their uniqueness, how they are similar to others, and how they differ. It is through this understanding that children develop autonomy and a sense of identity.

Children’s minds are not built in isolation; they are shaped by the communities in which they grow. When caregivers and others pay attention to a child’s thoughts, feelings, and desires, they help the child develop a rich inner world. Contrary to Descartes’ famous declaration, “I think, therefore I am,” we do not enter the world knowing that we think. Instead, we come to understand ourselves as thinkers because others first think about our thinking.

Attachment relationships play a crucial role in this process. Those closest to us, particularly in infancy, are often the most invested in our well-being. This investment is driven by evolutionary imperatives: through nurturing us, caregivers ensure the survival of their genes. But for humans, self-awareness provides more than just a survival advantage. It enables us to understand others, recognising that they too have minds filled with thoughts and feelings that guide their actions.

This understanding of others is the foundation of social collaboration, one of humanity’s most remarkable capabilities. By knowing that others have minds and being able to interpret their thoughts and feelings, we can communicate, cooperate, and work together. This ability has allowed humans to form communities, divide responsibilities, and ensure the survival of future generations. Whether it is hunting, gathering, or nurturing the next generation, collaboration relies on our ability to understand both ourselves and others.

In this way, our journey of self-awareness is not just about understanding who we are but also about recognising our place within a larger social context. Our knowledge of ourselves allows us to build connections with others, fostering the collaborative spirit that underpins human society. This interconnectedness — rooted in our ability to know ourselves — is what enables us to thrive, both as individuals and as communities.

By nurturing self-awareness, agency, and aspiration in children, we lay the groundwork for their capacity to understand others, build relationships, and contribute meaningfully to their communities. It is through knowing ourselves that we unlock the potential to shape a better future together.